Tldr at the bottom.
No real names, sorry. I (28M) am a department lead at my job, Jane (25F) is also in a similar position in another department. John (~23M) is in my department working under me. I am his direct supervisor. I am on good terms with John.
A few weeks ago, Jane has been reaching out to me for casual conversation unprompted and will come get me for any work related cross department needs no matter how minor. I can clearly tell she is interested in me as nobody is that persistent with casual conversation or finding ways to interact if they weren’t. She has told me I am her favorite person to work with even though I barely know her.
Jane is cute and also hilarious, I wouldn’t mind dating her and have considered it if we end up being a good match. So far so good anyway.
Bring in my coworker John. John is an interesting character. Funny guy, good heart, openly a furry, Bisexual leans gay, and rascal like personality. John also has depression and sees a therapist. He openly hates his job even to his own coworkers dissatisfaction. We don’t deal with the best of work, but it still gets old hearing it for everyone. John is also easily distracted to the point of causing issues with his work performance.
I like john, he stresses me out at times but I try to be patient as I know he lives a rough life. He will confide in me often about his issues. Most recently he had a episode to where he got so distracted his partner was doing all the work and the partner snapped at him. I had to talk to both of them, one about his yelling even if justified and John with his lack of focus.
My discussion with John turned out alright, he hates his job and wants to leave but appreciates me. The only reason he stays he tells me is because of his interest in Jane. He has apparently asked her out before and she said she would. Don’t think they have yet. They are friends to my knowledge.
Obviously, I don’t want to touch this problem with a 10 ft pole from a job perspective. I like Jane and I am damn well certain she likes me as well from how she interacts with me and I believe that will interfere with John’s life even if I do nothing. John is a good guy that is teetering on the edge of mental stability and I have no desire to not only break his trust in his mind by going to “steal his girl” after he told me about his desire for her, but also push him over the edge.
I don’t think she is giving up either. So what should I do?
Tldr: cowork likes me, I like her, other coworker I am in charge of likes her and has gotten a yes from her when asking her out but no date yet. Coworker has depression and ended up telling me about his desire for her recently. Doing nothing is not an option as she pursues me. He persues her. Me dating her would likely cause him to meltdown. What to do?
Don’t date a coworker, it’ll be really awkward if it goes poorly.
What are their respective stances on the Iran conflict? Do they have a favorite Gulf monarchy?
Finally! Now someone is asking the big questions that we need answers to.
You obviously need to close the love triangle: go date John.
John and you both have mutual interest in making yourselves “hard to get”. Dating each other would make Jane jealous and only increase her interest in you both.
It would be cruel to force Jane to chose between you too. If you navigate this carefully, she can have you both and you can both have her on top of each other. Everyone can be happy. /s
It is the only reasonable decision.
Date them both, start a polycule!
To answer your title: don’t shit where you eat.
Jane sounds lovely, and based on what you’ve said, it’s unwise but not wrong to go for her. Dating a coworker is shitting where you eat, but it’s usually mild.
John seems like a good kid, but he needs a conversation about professionalism. He put you in an uncomfortable situation by telling you he’s romantically interested in a coworker who’s been hitting on you. You probably shouldn’t know he’s a furry either. Hell, you shouldn’t know he’s so unhappy he’s looking for other work. He sounds neurodivergent, and that’s cool, but non judgementally, he needs to be aware that that level of openness with coworkers can cost jobs and possibly even risk sexual harassment claims.
Like let’s remove the you and Jane leg here. A generic friend of yours is telling you that he thinks he screwed up, he told his boss that the only reason he’s still working there is because he’s trying to date the head of another department. He’s asked her out, but nothing seems to have come of it, but it’s ok, they’re friends. Somewhere in this conversation he mentions that everyone at work knows about his mental health struggles and that he’s in therapy. How fucked do you tell your friend he is? Because I’ll say this, I’d be terrified that friend is misreading the situation with the woman, she’s afraid to say no (if they were actually friends he wouldn’t need to see her at work to pursue her), and she’s afraid to turn him down directly lest he hurt himself. And barring all that, he’s still given them reasonable cause for firing. That’s not necessarily the situation or even the most likely scenario, but it’s a plausible one.
I’m sympathetic to John. At my first few jobs when I was his age I was far too open about myself and my life. I never hit on coworkers, but otherwise relatable. It fucked me hard, and I really benefited when I learned to create a professional boundary and barriers.
Also, figure out your liability in all reasonable scenarios. Not from strangers on the internet. If John’s advances on Jane are unwelcome are you going to be in trouble for knowing and not reacting.
“He put you in an uncomfortable situation by telling you he’s romantically interested in a coworker who’s been hitting on you. You probably shouldn’t know he’s a furry either.” I was aware he was a furry on his first day with me, he does not hide it whatsoever. It is an open part of his personality that I have just come to accept as it is harmless if not a bit odd. He tends to overshare things so you might be right.
He has taken a strong liking to me for reasons I don’t fully follow other than some of our interests align. I wouldn’t say I discourage it though as I have a discord channel just for our team where people also post memes and things on our off days. I am MUCH friendlier to my staff than your average boss, but I have a strict rule that I will not hang out with any of my coworkers where they cannot all be involved if they wish and I cannot show favoritism. I have only been taken up on that once. I won’t blame him for wanting to trust me with that information, I have been told I look trustworthy or something.
As far as I have seen, she and him are perfectly friendly with each other, now recently working as a team to cause harmless, minor havoc in my life for fun. lol I don’t know the full extent. I do know that they have known each other for a while too and they like to send memes to each other. I just don’t know if the romantic interest is there though. Kind of like having a good friend that is also into you but you don’t share it. I don’t know.
I should clarify, it’s not your fault you know these things, but he needs to learn that enough bosses won’t be understanding that he should learn to curate the aspects of himself that he professionally displays.
Having good and amicable professional relationships is awesome. My coworkers know that I’m into bicycles, they don’t know that the bike shop I volunteered at was explicitly anarchist. They know I’m married, they don’t know I’m polyamorous. He needs to learn to find a level of sharing that can keep him safe, because elsewhere in the thread you mention he’s on the verge of disciplinary action.
You seem to have professional boundaries as well, and I think that yours are totally reasonable. A friend of mine is a manager of software developers and she has similar boundaries to you with her subordinates (she describes her job as basically being a kindergarten teacher for adults), but if you have to discipline John, that closeness will bite back.
And it’s good that they seem to actually be on good terms with each other, though she still may have given him the old pocket veto.
Have a conversation with John, make it clear you aren’t disciplining him, but attempting to help him in his career, because this oversharing is going to fuck him hard someday if he doesn’t get it under control. It’ll be a lot easier of a pill to swallow from a boss he likes and respects than from one who brings in HR on his first week. He should know you’re doing this specifically because you think he’s a good guy and you want what’s best for your subordinates.
For what it’s worth it sounds like you quite like this lady and like nothing you do is going to avoid a mess, so yeah have fun with that. I don’t think John is going to avoid pain here. Both from what you described of that crush and from what you’ve described of him possibly needing a PIP. It sucks, and it really sucks for you. But fr, act like he didn’t tell you about Jane and pretend you forgot. It’s probably the only winning move here even if it sucks. Well, that and posting follow ups. Posting follow ups as things continue is the ultimate winning move.
“He needs to learn to find a level of sharing that can keep him safe, because elsewhere in the thread you mention he’s on the verge of disciplinary action.” Agreed, he overshares way too much and it is going to bite him on the ass at some point.
My closeness with my team is unavoidable and is better I lean into it. We work long shifts and I must interact with them constantly. Managing the children as a kindergarten teacher becomes a lot easier when they like you personally.
“But fr, act like he didn’t tell you about Jane and pretend you forgot. It’s probably the only winning move here even if it sucks.” I don’t that will fly sadly. He has mentioned it twice now.
“Posting follow ups as things continue is the ultimate winning move.” You just want to know how this nonsense plays out, don’t you? lol
What can I say, I’ve been completely honest I don’t think there’s a winning move and this sort of posts are what I miss from reddit lol
I never thought I would be in one of these types of posts either. It has gotten spicier. Out of curiosity, I had ended up asking her if there was anything going on between them to which she stated that they are just friends and he asked for her number. She does not want to lead him on according to her. Yesterday she asked for my number and I said sure.
Lady is moving this faster than I had planned for.
Damn dude, congrats! Gotta appreciate someone who’s clear about her intentions
I know, such a breath of fresh air!
The smart move is: don’t get your honey where you make your money.
Jane is not interested in an intimate relationship with you. She is being a polite and considerate coworker looking for support from a friendly face. Help her without turning it into more than super and teamwork, and it will eventually just turn into a deeper relationship if she really is into you. If not, then it was never going to anyway.
John is your subordinate. He is reaching out to you with trust for support in this time, but he ultimately cannot get the support he needs in his romantic/personal life from work. If the only thing keeping him there is her then he should leave, and you should support him there. Either make it a place he wants to work at outside of his (AND YOUR) romantic interests or use your professional resources to find him something that is a better fit.
You need to be very careful with both these dynamics.
What would you rather have here: someone looking to build interdepartment trust and friendship and a subordinate who wants to be at work, or a subordinate who feels like you don’t care about him and a coworker who feels like you think so highly of yourself that every girl who talks to you wants to date you?
There is no third option where you get the girl and fix the kid in the situation as you describe it.
Look, I understand your point and I shouldn’t consider any woman being nice to me as flirting… But in this particular case, she just asked me for my phone number yesterday so she could quote " get to know me better and continue the conversation over the weekend." We have odd work weeks and this is the start of our weekend.
I don’t think there is any mystery about that part anymore. I had asked if she was seeing John and she said no, they are just friends.
As for John, he was denied for the role he really wanted to apply to for very dumb reasons and I am very upset for him. There is nothing I can personally do about improving his situation as the things he hates about our company are not within my or even my superior’s control. He has told me he can’t leave either as he can’t find a job elsewhere.
I want to be supportive of John, but I am even trying to push it in this direction, its just going there on its own and I am currently not stopping it as she is an awesome person I would like to get to know better.
You are right though, there is no option where “I get the girl” and not burn bridges and not torch themental health of my coworker. Even if I said no, he will still be hurt as she is clearly not interested in him. Just to a lesser degree.
There will be other Jane’s that don’t work where you work.
So John doesn’t like his job. He also seems to be not performing well. He is vocal about it to the point that it affects others. Are you, as his manager, addressing this issue?
Yes, I was actually addressing it before he told me about his desire for Jane. I try to be friendly and on good terms with all those under me, but I am not friends with them to avoid bias. He just tends to over share a lot.
From a business perspective, I am trying to ensure my team member is performing as best he can.
From a personal perspective, I am actively trying to not have this guy kill himself from pushing too hard. He can’t afford to be fired, he has made that well known. Before you ask, I don’t make pay decisions. He stays because he has to. I and my staff have tolerated some of the complaining, but I will talk to him when he starts going overboard. He is a good guy otherwise.
Do you do the proper business action or do you do the right thing? I am not heartless.
That’s tough, and I hope you can manage it in such a way that it is not a huge detriment to the team. I hope you can also share this burden with your manager because that is a lot.
About the dating situation, I see a lot of downside (potential for messy drama, meltdown of an already vulnerable direct report, HR issues if things go wrong) and just a little upside. I’d keep it professional, and if you like her enough, I’d wait until one of you leaves for another job, and then get her number to keep in touch.
I’ve done the workplace romance thing several times. Realistically as an adult this is where you are most likely to meet someone, so IMO if you approached with a little bit of caution/maturity and think Jane could do the same I would proceed and just keep it quiet.
Keeping it quiet is my thought as well, I just don’t know how well it would go as he talks to her a lot and they seem to be friends. He has asked her out and she said yes previously. I think he might notice if she changed her mind.
I would let Jane handle her relationship with him, you just do you
You know what my therapist would tell me in this situation? You’re no hero. It’s not your job to save John.
Its not my job to save John, doesn’t mean I won’t feel bad regardless. I do care even if I try not to.
I’m not saying you should be a jerk to him. Just don’t let his dreams drive yours. You can be honorable and also pursue your desires.
Edit: side note… For all you know, John told you about his romantic interests because he was jealous of how Jane was acting towards you.
This is not complicated at all. Ask her out and let her choose. Have a polite, but not too close relationship to the guy who is basically your subordinate. If you think he might harm himself, take action, but other than that your not responsible for his wellbeing.
Also, it sounds to me that you are trying to be absolutely fair to this guy, not only in this thread but also at work, but not necessarily like him too much. I’m also pretty certain that she was just polite to him and didn’t want to upset him. Talk with your love interest, than you will know.
If I can’t/won’t see both sides of the coin, am I really a good leader? I wouldn’t think so.
“I’m also pretty certain that she was just polite to him and didn’t want to upset him.” That may be the case and it seems that way if she is still happy to talk to me as she does. I have been on both sides of this and it certainly sucks to be in the other position. I am trying to handle this delicately if I can. It doesn’t help that he is constantly trying to hang out with me.
It’s indeed important to be an understanding boss. And I’ve also been on both sides of this and agree with you that it sucks pretty much.
However: this guy is a bad worker with a bad attitude and clearly states that he has no interest in his job. He does bad enough work to upset his teammates. You’re his boss. Don’t hang out with him. Maybe a beer after work, but even that stretches it. You wanna be his friend and hang out with him outside of work? Then you both should not work directly with each other. There is a time and place for delicacy and sometimes not.
Sorry, I’m a bit harsh! But I had problems with a co-worker myself. And I suffered actually years from constant drama because I was polite and considerate and forgiving. And it would have saved me from so much frustration and stress if I kept my distance in the beginning or just plainly told him to fuck off.
Personally, I have a no dating at work rule.
Unless you and her end up marrying, there are very few potential positives here and a whole load of almost definite negatives.
It is usually good advice to follow as I have seen it turn messy, but life doesn’t always work out that way. The type of person I would date is usually not found anywhere else. I prefer the heavily introverted types and they don’t tend to do a lot of things out where I might find them. Online dating is just depressing even if you do get matches.
I find it a lot harder to get an ideal partner than a job, so I am willing to gamble for the right person.
Bottom line: do you like your job, your standing at your job, and your friendship with John more or less than the potential of getting with her?
That’s the only real question here, since those things are what you’re risking if it goes bad.
If the juice still sounds worth the squeeze, then you have your answer, but go into it with both eyes open. There will be fallout from somewhere. Don’t bemoan your situation in 6 months when you have to deal with it.
Definitely a tough situation. I hope things work out well for all of you. I’m also extremely curious about what animal John has for his fursona.
FWIW, I’m not too worried about John’s dating life. The furry community is pretty strong and cross-functional, and there’s a ton of hobby overlap with furries and other hobbies and sports. Especially if he’s bi, there will be others that he will meet, and he’s young. Hopefully his depression gets better.
It is a Sergal and a Protogen. The fact I know without any hesitation for thought is bizarre. lol He is not a bad looking guy, so I am sure he would be fine. Doesn’t make the emotional pain sting any less though.
Nice! And yes.
